opening up about infertility



carolyn_mara it’s #internationalwomensday| and I’m feeling less than. had one of those mornings where the tears flowed freely and the pain seemed like it wouldn’t end. I’ve wanted another child for almost five years now, I don’t talk about the negative test after negative test, or the miscarriages after positive ones, for fear of judgement for wanting another, or for perspective from those who think they understand but don’t. and this afternoon I pulled myself together, grabbed a sweet friend and went to an empty house to spend an hour creating. my images have always been my voice but today, following @sharonmckeeman lead over on @childhoodunplugged I decided to share my words as well.

For many years I have struggled with infertility and used my art as a way to soothe the pain.  I never said “I am screaming because the pregnancy test is negative” but none the less I may have taken an image of myself screaming into a pillow and said it was a bad day.  Millions of women struggle but somehow I had so much guilt for wanting another child.  I have two beautiful, kind, loving, well behaved boys and I love them with everything I have but still I want another.  I am trying to learn to separate the feelings, because I want another doesn’t make me ungrateful for what I have… maybe it is just so good I want more of it. It has been a looooong road of miscarriages followed by failed fertility treatments followed by getting pregnant on my own again and miscarrying.  From western medicine to eastern medicine (which was responsible for the last pregnancy) I have tried it all.  I have gotten as healthy as possible, started running, doing more yoga, oh also I got Cize dance DVDs for fun.  I am, again, in a place of frustration and confusion but with every major meltdown, as I had yesterday, come a new plan and new hope.  I am renewed and rejuvenated by the outpouring of love on my Instagram post and I am most certainly thankful that I opened up.

To see the comments by the many many women who shared their stories or offered their support please visit my post HERE.

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